


I Can’t Decide Which One Of Us Is Dreaming

by Toastmaster9000



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst and Feels, Confessions, Drunken Shenanigans, Durincest, Fluff, Introspection, Kissing, M/M, Pining, Sibling Incest, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-26 00:31:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17735591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toastmaster9000/pseuds/Toastmaster9000
Summary: Fili and Kili are in Bree enjoying some time away from Ered Luin and during one particular night when too much ale was consumed and inhibitions were no where to be found, some stuff kind of just - happens?





	1. Fili's Point of View

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Balletvamp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balletvamp/gifts).



> I wrote this several years ago when I was super into The Hobbit and was very obsessed with my favorite dwarves. Mainly Fili. He's my bab and I still have a lot of feelings about them and recently found this again and decided might as well throw this up here as it doesn't seem all that horrible after rereading it again. XD  
> Apologies for the overuse of ellipses? I have a thing for thoughts trailing off I guess?
> 
> At any rate, hey Balletvamp! I hope you like the story! I don't remember if I ever actually sent it to you to read 'cause I was so self conscious about my writing. 8D;;;
> 
> I'm attempting to get back into writing. We'll see how well that goes.

Confusion. Confusion mixed with shock and a maybe a twinge of worry - that was what Fili was feeling right now as he stood over his little brother who was now beyond his reach, lost in a heavy, ale-induced slumber. 

What had just happened? 

The enjoyable haze Fili had been in from his own ale intake had faded, leaving him at a loss and desperate for answers but Kili had promptly - and rather conveniently - passed out right after so he couldn't demand answers.

With brows furrowed in stunned thought Fili lifted his fingers to his tingling lips, stroking them lightly, the phantom touch of the mouth that had been there just moments ago lingered still... Kili had  _ kissed _ him? Fili stared uncomprehendingly down at his sleeping brother. 

Kili lay pretty much where Fili had deposited him after half carrying/half dragging him back to their room at the inn. The pair of them had their fair share of drink. And then some. And Kili even more still.

Fili helped his younger sibling remove most of the bulk he wore when Kili was proving to be completely useless in undressing himself. They were both giggling uncontrollably as Fili drunkenly fumbled with fasteners and ties which grew into full uproarious laughter when Fili had landed rather inelegantly on his rear after fighting off one of Kili's boots. 

When Kili was finally down to his underclothes was when it happened. 

Fili leaned in, pressing their foreheads together and wishing his brother goodnight only to pause when a hand reached up to carefully cup his cheek. Fili watched in a bewildered daze as his little brother's half-lidded eyes drifted shut and Kili's lips pressed against his own. Fili was slow to react, stunned and mind heavy with drink, he didn't immediately pull away but when he did, Kili mumbled a very soft  _ zâyungi zu _ before drifting off, leaving Fili where he stood now. Confused.

What was that? 

Frowning, fingers still absently on his own lips, Fili moved away to the bed across from his brother's and sat down. Why did Kili kiss him? Did he mean to? Well, it definitely wasn't an accident, it was a pretty deliberate action... but did he forget who he was with? Maybe he was too drunk to realize it was his brother tucking him in and not a woman he had stumbled home with... 

Fili nodded to himself. That had to be it. The kiss wasn't meant for him, it had been for some woman his brother was dreaming about in his drunken state.

"Idiot..." Fili muttered with exasperation, a soft smile on his lips. He pulled back the bed covers and slid under them, curling comfortably up on his side, facing his brother. A smirk tugged at his lips. Maybe he'd tease Kili about it tomorrow. 

And then it dawned on him. 

Kili spoke  _ Khuzdul _ ... 

Kili said  _ I love you _ in their language... he wouldn't have said that to someone he'd just met, especially if that someone wasn't a dwarf, and dwarven company was in very short supply currently... 

Fili frowned deeply and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. What was Kili thinking? And what was  _ he _ going to do now...? Should he talk to Kili about it...? Would Kili even remember what he did...? A fretful sigh left him and he tossed again, curling up on his side facing away from his brother. 

What was he going to do? He knew that there was nothing that could be done tonight so Fili allowed himself to fall into an uneasy sleep. He would have to think about this more tomorrow... when his mind was clearer and he could ask Kili what he needed to know.

\----

Fili awoke slowly with a soft moan, his mind still heavy with sleep and the large amount of ale he had consumed earlier that evening, but he was becoming distinctly aware of a weight joining him in his bed. "mmnh...? Kili...?" Fili mumbled, reaching up to scrub the sleep from his eyes before squinting at the figure looming over him in the dark. 

It was Kili, but something seemed off. Kili was sitting on the edge of his bed and was bent over him, one hand placed on either side of his shoulders but he refused to meet Fili's eyes. Fili blinked and forced his mind to focus. Something was clearly bothering him.

"Kili? What's the matter?" Fili asked gently as he moved to prop himself up on his elbows, growing steadily more alert. Kili's brow furrowed and he stared pointedly at the sheets separating them, continuing to avoid Fili's eye. Fili offered him a soft smile, moving to lightly brush back the dark hair his brother was intent on hiding behind. This finally earned him eye contact. Kili's normally bright and cheerful brown eyes looked dark and tormented... it made Fili's heart ache. He hated to see his brother hurting.

"Fili, I..." Kili started, voice strained, almost a whimper. He swallowed hard and tore his gaze away, leaving his words hanging as he worried at his lower lip with his teeth. Fili frowned, moving to stroke his brother's hair comfortingly, working his fingers slowly through the sleep-tousled dark hair.

"Hey... Ki, I'm here... Talk to me... Please?" Fili coaxed, watching his brother with concerned eyes. He looked so close to tears and it was breaking his heart, he needed to fix it. Kili choked then, the first tears sliding innocently down his cheeks as he drew back and away from his brother's hand to sit hunched over himself on the edge of Fili's bed.

Alarmed, Fili pulled himself free from his blankets and moved closer to his brother, sitting next to him and rubbing a hand over his back in slow calming circles as Kili wept into his hands. Distressed and trying desperately to ease his brother's pain in any way he could, he murmured soft comforting words to accompany the gentle touches: "Oh, Kili... It'll be alright... I'm right here, Ki. It'll be okay..." 

What had happened to his baby brother? What had caused him to hurt so much? Fili bristled slightly and wanted nothing more than to gather Kili up in a protective embrace and keep him far from any harm for as long as he lived. He then vowed silently that whoever it was that had done this was going to pay dearly.

Kili's broken sobs began to ebb, dissolving into soft sniffles and quiet whimpers and Fili lightly rest his head against his brother's, waiting patiently, albeit worriedly, for his brother to find his voice and tell him what was weighing so heavily on him.

Instead Kili turned and buried his face in his brother's shoulder, choking softly as he wrapped his arms tightly, almost desperately, around Fili's waist, clinging to him as if he expected Fili to disappear. Fili felt himself brought near to tears at how agonized his brother was and in turn how helpless he felt in trying to soothe him. He wrapped his own arms tightly around his brother, clutching him close. 

"oh Kili... please talk to me..." Fili pleaded, blinking back tears as he felt his brother's body begin to shake in his arms, silent sobs befalling him again.

"I can't lose you..." Kili bemoaned finally between choked sobs, "I don't want you to hate me..." Fili froze at this, blue eyes wide.  _ What _ ? 

"Kili, what are you saying?" Fili demanded, pulling back slightly to cup his brother's face in his hands, forcing the younger dwarf to look at him. His eyes were rimmed with tears and bloodshot and face flushed from crying. He looked so miserable. "Kili, look at me... I could never hate you.  _ Ever _ . Do you hear me?" Kili finally lifted his downcast gaze to meet his brother's morosely, more tears sliding down his rosy cheeks only to be carefully brushed away by Fili's thumbs.

"..you don't understand..." Kili whimpered sorrowfully, shaking his head slightly in Fili's hands. 

"Then tell me so I  _ do  _ understand, Ki...  _ please _ ... it hurts me to see you like this... I don't want you to be in pain..." Fili leaned in to press their foreheads together, smiling faintly. "You mean the world to me, Kili. I could never hate my better half..." The gentle words seemed to have the opposite effect of what he'd hoped and Kili closed his eyes, looking anguished. 

"..i love you, Fili..." Kili whispered dejectedly. Fili watched him, confused and awaiting further elaboration. "i... i love you like no sibling should love their brother..." Kili hesitated, "..y-you are my  _ One _ , Fili..." Kili finished brokenly, more tears streaming down his face as he dared to open his eyes again, looking into the stunned gaze of his brother. 

Fili didn't know how to process this. His mind was at war with trying desperately to digest what Kili had just said but he also did not want cause his brother further harm. He drew back slowly, careful to make sure the action did not appear to be a recoil. It didn't seem to matter though, Kili looked as if Fili had struck him, and Fili couldn't think of the words to put his brother at ease as his mind reeled. 

The kiss... It  _ had _ been meant for him... He was Kili's  _ One _ ? But how? They were siblings,  _ brothers _ ... Mahal wouldn't be so cruel as to put something like that upon them... would he? Fili didn't doubt his brother's words or his conviction... and it was said that as a dwarf, you would  _ know _ who your  _ One  _ was... but the feeling was meant to be mutual. You were meant two halves of the same whole... Fili hadn't thought to even entertain the idea of finding his  _ One _ yet, he was still young after all, there was still time... but, maybe that wasn't true...? 

Maybe he didn't think to look because... there was no reason to...? 

Relationships among male dwarves were not uncommon, but  _ siblings _ ...? What would their mother say? What would  _ Thorin _ say...? How would this affect their lives? The line of Durin would end with them if they indulged in- in  _ this _ ... Kili never thought of the repercussions of his actions, with him everything was lived in the moment but this- this was  _ life-altering -- _

Wait... what are you saying...? 

..do you feel the same way...? 

Fili's breath caught, startled by his own thoughts and he stared back at his brother who was watching him in a way that suggested he was expecting something terrible to happen at any moment. 

"Kili, I-" Fili blinked as his brother shot to his feet, fresh tears welling in his eyes as he backed fearfully away, hugging himself.

"Y-you don't have to say it- I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Fili, I'm sorry. Please don't send me away, please- I won't bring it up again- I won't- please don't hate me...!" Tears were once again staining his brother's cheeks as he sobbed, completely heartbroken and terrified. How long had he been wallowing in this turmoil...? Fili stood slowly and moved to close the distance between them even as Kili backed away timidly, brown eyes wide. He grabbed his brother and Kili even flinched as if he expected Fili to cause him physical harm. 

Instead, Fili pulled his brother close in a tight embrace. Kili was rigid against him, stunned and disbelieving and Fili couldn't help a choked laugh. Sniffling softly, Fili nuzzled his brother's dark hair, squeezing his eyes shut as he clung to Kili.

"You idiot... I could never hate you..." He drew in a shuddered breath and smiled through his own tears, "I would never send you away... and you don't have anything to apologize for." He felt Kili slowly relax in his arms and hesitantly enfolded Fili in his own arms. "And I was going to say... I think you're my  _ One _ too, Kili..." Kili let out a breathless laugh and whimpered into Fili's shoulder. "And I love you, too." Fili finished softly before pressing a soft kiss to the side of his brother's head.


	2. Kili's Point of View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I like exploring everyone's thoughts and feelings, so, it is essentially the same exact thing as the first chapter, just from Kili's POV.

A dense and heavy fog hung in Kili’s mind as he slowly regained consciousness. He lay on his back staring dumbly up at the ceiling for several long moments. That ceiling didn’t seem familiar… wait, where was he? With a soft grunt, and a lot of effort on his part, the young dwarf forced his body upright into a sitting position. His vision swam for a second but cleared fairly quickly, which he was thankful for. Brown eyes landed on the bed just a few feet from his own and he smiled at the familiar blonde hair and peacefully sleeping face he spotted in the dark. Fili. 

That’s right. He remembered now. Well, somewhat. He remembered that he and his brother were in Bree for a bit of fun away from Ered Luin. He remembered drinking. A lot. And the reason why he had done so... He  _ didn’t _ remember how he’d gotten back to the inn though but he was pretty sure he had Fili to thank for that. Kili groaned softly as he rubbed his face. What even happened last night? 

Panic jolted through Kili’s heart. He had no recollection of what he’d said or done last night. What if he blurted  _ it  _ out when he was drunk? Wide brown eyes turned back to his brother’s sleeping form. Fili was still here… so maybe he hadn’t? Surely if he had Fili wouldn’t… wouldn’t have stayed in the same room with him… right?

Frowning, Kili swung his feet over the side of his bed and carefully got to his feet, swaying unsteadily as the room spun and warped in his eyes. Perhaps he’d take it easy on the ale next time… The younger dwarf used the wall for support as he moved over to his brother’s bed and sank heavily down on the edge upon reaching his goal. And there he sat, just watching his brother sleep, drinking in the sight. He felt guilty, ashamed…  _ filthy _ even… but Kili couldn’t help himself… he loved his brother… more than any brother should love their sibling… 

An uncomfortable pang sounded in Kili’s heart causing him to physically flinch before he reached out with a trembling hand to ghost his fingertips shyly over his brother’s peaceful face - Fili was so beautiful… Kili found himself like this more times than he cared to admit - up at night just to watch his brother sleep - only gazing upon Fili when he wouldn’t notice… because he was too much of a coward to confess the disgusting feelings he harbored for his brother fearing the violent rejection he was sure would follow… Maybe it could just go on like this? Maybe he never had to disgrace his family or face the rejection he so feared… He never wanted to be apart from Fili, and if it meant choking on his feelings for the rest of his life, then so be it.

Dark brows knit together as if he were in pain and Kili swallowed the burning lump in his throat. Could he really survive that though…? It hurt so much already… He couldn’t imagine how terrible it would be if he continued to keep it tightly locked inside him… Kili drew in a shuddered breath as he carefully stroked his brother’s soft golden hair, gingerly brushing a few stray locks from Fili’s face before he traced his fingers slowly down the blonde’s cheek and hesitated, his eyes locking on his brother’s slightly parted lips. How he longed to kiss those lips… just once… to taste him… Kili pushed his luck and delicately drew his thumb over Fili’s lower lip. Fili didn’t stir. Would he even feel it if Kili kissed him…?

Kili watched his brother for a long moment, just listening to him breathe and staring at those enticing lips, warring with the desire to do what he’d been craving for years, the inherent wrongness of doing it and wanting to do it at all in the first place… Swallowing hard, Kili haltingly leaned over the blonde, placing his hands on either side of Fili to hover over over him. His heart was pounding in his chest. He was so close he could feel Fili’s breath… He could do it. Fili wouldn’t even notice…    


Screwing his eyes shut, Kili pulled himself back. He couldn’t do it… he couldn’t take advantage of his brother like that… He was disgusting, even more disgusting for wanting to take what he wanted from his sleeping brother. 

"mmnh...? Kili...?"

He very nearly leapt out of his skin at the soft sound of Fili’s thick, sleep-laden voice but he couldn’t bring himself to meet his brother’s eyes, sick with his own despicable thoughts. He was dirty. Fili didn’t deserve such a nasty deviant for a brother… Fili was perfect. Kind-hearted. Gentle. Protective. His confidante. His voice of reason. He was always there to soothe his hurts and give him encouragement. More than he ever deserved. 

"Kili? What's the matter?" The concern in Fili’s voice made his heart ache.  _ You shouldn’t worry about such a filthy creature, dear Fili… You should get away from me, forget all about me…  _ Kili thought bitterly, brow furrowing as he kept his eyes downcast, staring at the blankets covering his brother. 

Then the gentle, caring touch of his brother tucking his hair back behind his ear sent the butterflies fluttering wildly in his stomach. Why did he have to be so amazing…? Kili finally lifted his gaze to meet Fili’s, searching those striking blue eyes in desperation. There was never any malice or hatred there. Fili always looked at him with such love… Surely if he confessed, Fili wouldn’t… wouldn’t turn him away… Right?

"Fili, I..." He trailed off, silently cursing the pathetic waver in his voice while his heart thumped painfully in his chest. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t tell Fili. He just couldn’t. It would destroy him. Kili swallowed hard and tore his gaze away, leaving his words hanging as he worried at his lower lip with his teeth and almost whimpered feeling his brother’s hand in his hair.  _ Don’t, please. Fili… you don’t know what you’re doing… If you knew what I was thinking you’d want to be as far away from me as possible. _

"Hey... Ki, I'm here... Talk to me... Please?" Fili tried again, desperately trying to coax him into speaking… like he’d always done when something was bothering him. But he couldn’t. Not this time. Tears were burning in his eyes now. Fili would hate him. Kili choked then, the first tears sliding innocently down his cheeks as he drew back and away from his brother's hand to sit hunched over himself on the edge of Fili's bed. There wasn’t really a way out of this now, was there? Fili wouldn’t relent until he heard the truth… and Kili’s mind was too busy warring with itself to think of a fitting lie to merit this situation.

Kili felt his brother pull himself out of his blankets, coming to sit next to him on the edge of the bed and he couldn’t hold it back anymore. He held his face in his hands and he broke, weeping pathetically. He was going to lose his best friend. Kili almost flinched at the gentle hand on his back, the relaxing tender touches that he’d grown to love so much almost made it hurt worse. He would probably never experience it again… 

"Oh, Kili... It'll be alright... I'm right here, Ki. It'll be okay..." Came Fili’s soft murmuring, assuring him, comforting him. Fili would never lie to him. Fili didn’t have it in him to be deceitful in any way. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as he had been dreading…?

Slowly, Kili's broken sobs began to ebb, dissolving into soft sniffles and quiet whimpers as he fought to get a handle on himself. Fili would never hurt him, he’s said as such time and again… Fili’s head then came to rest against his own and he just drank in his brother’s comforting nearness. Kili knew that his brother was waiting for him to speak his mind. But how could he?

Despair tipped the scales of his mind once more and Kili turned and buried his face in his brother's shoulder, choking softly as he wrapped his arms tightly, almost desperately, around Fili's waist, clinging to him as if he expected Fili to disappear. He felt awful for distressing his brother. He could tell how worried Fili was, but he was so scared…    
  
Warm strong arms enveloped Kili and held him fiercely.

"oh Kili... please talk to me..." Fili pleaded. Kili could hear the pain in his brother’s shaky voice. He was upsetting Fili and it made him feel terrible.

"I can't lose you..." Kili bemoaned finally between choked sobs, "I don't want you to hate me..." He could feel his brother stiffen against him before Fili slowly pulled back. Kili wanted to clutch him close and never let him go, but his arms loosened, allowing his brother to pull away… that was probably going to be the last embrace they ever shared...

"Kili, what are you saying?" Fili demanded as he gently cupped Kili’s face in his hands, forcing the younger dwarf’s head up but his gaze remained downcast. "Kili, look at me... I could never hate you.  _ Ever _ . Do you hear me?"  _ You sound so sincere, I could almost believe you, brother…  _ Kili finally lifted his eyes to meet his brother's morosely, more tears sliding down his cheeks only to be carefully brushed away by Fili's thumbs. Why did Fili have to be his brother…? Why did Mahal have to torture him so…?

"..you don't understand..." Kili whimpered sorrowfully, shaking his head slightly in Fili's hands. 

"Then tell me so I  _ do  _ understand, Ki...  _ please _ ... it hurts me to see you like this... I don't want you to be in pain..." Fili leaned in to press their foreheads together, smiling faintly."You mean the world to me, Kili. I could never hate my better half..." The gentle words tore at Kili’s heart. Fili looked so earnest… he sounded so genuine. Kili closed his eyes tight, steeling himself for the inevitable violent rejection.

"..i love you, Fili..." Kili whispered dejectedly. Fili didn’t respond immediately so Kili forged on shakily, "i... i love you like no sibling should love their brother..." Kili hesitated, "..y-you are my  _ One _ , Fili..." Kili finished brokenly, more tears streaming down his face as he dared to open his eyes again, looking into the stunned gaze of his brother.    
  
This was it.   
  
This was how he lost his brother. His best friend. His  _ everything _ .

The brothers sat in silence; Fili staring wide-eyed at his Kili, unspeaking. And Kili watched him, holding his breath. What was Fili thinking? Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why wasn’t he screaming at him-? And then Fili drew back slowly, withdrawing himself from his brother. This was it. It was the beginning of the end. There wasn’t any hope for him now. Fili was going to leave him. Fili  _ hated him _ . Fili would want nothing more to do with him… 

The silence stretched on and Kili’s heart was pounding against his ribcage, he was sure that Fili could probably hear it. Why wasn’t Fili saying anything? Kili wanted to ask, he wanted to say his brother’s name, something, anything, to get Fili to talk, but Kili couldn’t find his voice and panic began to take over. He couldn’t stand this. Why wouldn’t Fili just yell at him and get it over with? Why did his own brother have to torture him too with this miserable silence?! At the same time, Kili found himself never wanting Fili to speak. Never wanting this moment to pass, because he knew that afterwards, Fili would be gone… 

A quiet gasp left his brother and his gaze seemed to refocus. Kili felt his blood run cold, all the breath leaving his lungs and his stomach dropped. This was it.  _ Oh Mahal… No… no, no, no, no… _ he shouldn’t have said anything. He regretted it. He regretted everything. He wanted to take it all back! He wanted to make everything right and then never, ever speak of it again! He couldn’t lose Fili!

"Kili, I-" He couldn’t hear it. He wasn’t strong enough. He couldn’t listen to Fili reject him. He was selfish and pathetic and he was weak. If Fili spoke those words it would kill him. Kili shot to his feet, hot tears burning in his eyes and blurring his brother’s face as he backed fearfully away, hugging himself in an attempt to somehow console himself and then he blurted everything out at once:

"Y-you don't have to say it- I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Fili, I'm sorry. Please don't send me away, please- I won't bring it up again- I won't- please don't hate me...!" He sobbed then, desperately hoping beyond hope that Fili would take pity on him. That Fili would take him back and they’d never speak of this again. That everything could go back to the way it was… because the alternative was Fili no longer being in his life and he couldn’t survive that either… 

Fili stood slowly, moving to close the distance between them and Kili watched him fearfully. What was he going to do? What was he doing? Kili instinctively backed away as his brother drew closer. Was Fili going to hit him…? He deserved it, he knew that, but he was so scared… he didn’t know if he could handle it… Kili gasped as Fili’s hand closed around his arm and he flinched, expecting a strike, squeezing his eyes shut for the pain he was sure that was going to follow.

Instead, Fili pulled him close. Wrapped his arms around him and hugged him. Kili’s eyes flew open and stood rigid against his brother, stunned and disbelieving. What was this…? A choked laugh left Fili and his soft sniffling filled Kili’s ears.  _ What?  _ He could feel his brother nuzzle his hair and he was at a loss. Kili honestly didn’t know how to comprehend what was happening. It wasn’t the rejection he was so sure he would be receiving…

"You idiot... I could never hate you..." Kili listened, bewildered, as his brother spoke. Fili’s voice was soft and gentle albeit tremulous and Kili could also hear the tears in it, "I would never send you away... and you don't have anything to apologize for." Kili slowly found himself relaxing in his brother’s arms and hesitantly enfolded Fili in his own arms, still very astonished at this very different turn of events. "And I was going to say... I think you're my  _ One _ too, Kili..." At that Kili let out a breathless laugh and whimpered into Fili's shoulder, squeezing his brother tightly and nuzzling into his neck. He couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing, but it made his heart swell all the same. "And I love you, too." Fili finished and Kili felt a soft kiss to the side of his head and Kili just melted. 

It wasn’t a dream… He wasn’t dreaming. 

Fili loved him.


End file.
